my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
People with herpes should wear stickers.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
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