I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
My hand turned me down
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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