if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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