Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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