im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
