What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Randomize
