i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
