he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
