so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize