Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
