I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
