I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Randomize