Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
