Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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