I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
