i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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