Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i love accidental penises.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
