WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
