Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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