I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize