Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
