last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
