I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
