I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
