Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
