life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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