Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
