Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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