Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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