i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
They have beer where we have blood.
Randomize
