No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I can't turn off my feet"
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
