life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
When did angry sex become our thing?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize