The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
