I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
Your tits are I can't wait for
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
