There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
