I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
BRING THE BAGELS
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
