Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
