Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
