The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Randomize
