Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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