Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
