last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
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