Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize