Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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