I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
