They should really pass out barf bags in church
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Randomize
