dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
