I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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