I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
