No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
