I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
