Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
