theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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