on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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