My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
