just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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