Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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