And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize