we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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