If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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