i think i have two assholes
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
