He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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