she woke up with a sticky ear
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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