Joe is yelling at the trees again.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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